My mother is dead, there is no other way to say. It has been a little over a year.
And while I have been busy about her last business and my life, I have had little time to truly mourn her.
Today, after reading an article by my friend and gifted writer, Carol Caldwell
http://www.oneforthetable.com/, I couldn't help but think about my mom.
Mother's Day is looming , and I, like many other Motherless children am reaching back into my memories in silent memorial.
I headed outside and decided to attack the Maiden grasses, they are in dire need of a good cutting and as always , my clearest thinking happens in the garden. I rolled my memories around in my head as I weeded the dandelions and cut back massive reeds of grass.
The yardwork was way overdue, I really had let it go.
Then the thought that had been crouching in the corner of my mind stood up and asked...."Who will scold me now?"
Who will make audible mention of the condition of this yard?
Now that my mother is gone, who will put me in my place when need be?
Who will tell me the muffin I'm eating is exactly why I look fat in my dress?
Who will remind me that she brought me into this world, and by God...well you know the rest.
Daughters know the razor edge scrutiny and subsequent scolding of their mothers (Sons are mostly exempt, especially boys of Southern mothers).
My mother never sugar coated her opinion, never held back, but most important of all, she never lied about what she thought.
A good scolding is all about the truth, the truth about yourself, and yes, it always hurts.
Your friends will lie, your siblings will lie, your co-workers will lie. But your mother, your mother will always deliver the truth, and depending on the severity of it, there may be a shopping trip in the apologetic offering.
The relationship of mother and daughter is a delicate balance. Statistics bear me out, it's usually the daughter who takes care of the aging parent (warning to all mothers). The son's wives want nothing to do with the mother who no doubt crippled his ability to "deal with his feelings about women", although as we get older and wiser, we understand this to just be the way men are.
My last years with my mom were tough, she was in constant pain and hypercritical of everything I did. She had lost her freedom (assisted living, no car) , her body was rapidly failing (chronic kidney failure, wheelchair bound) and I was the one helping her (jailkeeper)... I witnessed her frantic grasp on life in her last days. It was heartbreaking and frustrating and just plain sad.
I work diligently everyday to not let that be the foremost memory I hold of her.
Since she has been gone, I've slacked off on quite a few things, the garden, the housekeeping, exercising, even work...all the things I tightly ran about doing while taking care of her.
Now I know why I have been so deliquent, there is no one left to scold me.
She would have been the first to notice and comment on the status of my yard and the enlargement of my derriere.
So as I whack away at the long neglected grasses, I let the tears, that I have also neglected, drop on the hillside. The realization, that I have lost the one person in my life who always told me the truth is overwhelming.
And while it may have been wrapped in a scolding, it kept me honest with myself and that is what is missing from my life these days....
a good scolding from my mom.
....
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